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First Date Dont's

Sumptuous food and a delectable bottle of wine. She looks smashing in her little black dress. You haven't sweat through your suit jacket yet. All in all, things are going pretty darn well, this is the best first date you've had in recent memory. As the evening progresses, you begin to feel more at ease with her. She tells you some interesting personal factoids, and you find yourself compelled to respond in kind. You tell her about your first little league home run. You tell her about your brothers and sisters. You tell her about your favorite meals, movies, and music. But then you had to bring up how your ex hated country music, and she refused to listen to it, and that you two fought constantly about it.

Other than that, Date #1 went incredibly well. But - and this is a big but - you freaked her out with the ex talk. All of which means you're probably not getting to Date #2. When the vibe is right, there's no doubt it can be difficult to keep from blurting out some embarrassing incident or disclosing some personal quirk. And while some events or idiosyncrasies are kind of cute and endearing, there are certain things that, for the time being, are best left unsaid.

1. DO NOT TELL HER HOW MANY GIRLS YOU'VE SLEPT WITH!
Whether the number is one, or eleven, or one-hundred-and-eleven, this is information that should be saved for a later time. A much later time.

2. DO NOT TELL HER ABOUT THE TIME YOU GOT ARRESTED FOR INDECENT EXPOSURE!

Hold off all discussions of your criminal record until at least Date #3.

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3. DO NOT TELL HER ABOUT THAT TIME YOU WATCHED TELEVISION FOR 72 HOURS STRAIGHT!

She'll probably find out about your couch potato-ness soon enough.

4. DO NOT TELL HER ABOUT THE TIME YOU MADE OUT WITH YOUR HOT THIRD COUSIN!
Yeah, the cuz might not have been a blood relation, but your date will nonetheless find the whole thing extremely gross.

5.DO NOT TELL HER YOUR THEORIES ABOUT AREA 51!
Also, it'd probably be best to not mention your obsession with the Kennedy assassination.

6.DO NOT TELL HER THAT YOU PAINT YOUR FACE WHEN YOU GO TO FOOTBALL GAMES!
Actually, everybody you know would probably be thrilled if you chucked your face paint right out the window.

7.DO NOT TELL HER THAT SHE LOOKS GOOD ENOUGH TO EAT!
That line stinks on so many levels.

8.DO NOT TELL HER YOUR SALARY!
Talking about money too early is a lose/lose proposition.

9.DO NOT TELL HER ABOUT YOUR PORN STASH!
Self-explanatory.

10.DO NOT TELL HER ABOUT YOUR COLLEGE TRIP TO AMSTERDAM!
Also self-explanatory.

11.DO NOT TELL HER ABOUT YOUR IMAGINARY FRIEND!
Cute when you're five, scary when you're 31.

12.DO NOT TELL HER ABOUT YOUR PENCHANT FOR PUTTING BOLOGNA IN YOUR SHOES!
For that matter, steer clear of mentioning luncheon meat, period.

13.DO NOT TELL HER ABOUT THE SKELETONS IN YOUR CLOSET!
Especially if, for some reason, you have actual skeletons in your closet...

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